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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Update on Foster Son

It's been 3 months since Foster Son left our home to go live with new foster parents. I saw him for the first time at our community Halloween party (the one where I was a potted plant). It was a little weird, but nice to see him. My feelings about this go from one end of the spectrum to the other...

I feel happy that the decision is made and we are moving on. I felt stuck in "limbo" for about 6 months while we were trying to decide what would be best.
I feel sad when I think about how much Wild Child misses him. She saw him at the Halloween party while walking in the "parade." She was so excited! Now she talks about him alot more.
I feel mad when I think about how Foster Son is really only interested in spending time or contacting my nephew. I feel like we put alot of time and love into him and he doesn't seem interested in seeing or talking to us. He spent the night with nephew on the farm and made no attempt to come to our house. I also know this may be part of a coping mechanism.
I feel guilty when I think about how I am the main reason he did not stay. Dr. Hubby wanted to keep him.
I feel embarrassed or ashamed when people ask where he is.
I have been putting off blogging about this because it seems so sad and negative...but I want to record everything.

14 comments:

mommablogsalot said...

::hugs::

Adventure girl wanna be said...

Very tough situation and so many feelings..............you are in my heart and prayers!

I know from being a foster child of sorts that he has a million feelings of abandonment and between coping skills and not sure what to do may feel awkward or even mad.

I would continue to reach out to him and be a positive force in his life. Even though he doesn't live with you doesn't mean he can't be a part of your family;) Especially if Dr. Hubby and wild child and nephew miss him???

Love and peace Scrappy girl!

richies said...

My parents kept foster children, 2 of them from infancy to adulthood. Unfortunately neither one of the have had good lives. There is a lot of discussion about environment vs. genetics, but you can probably guess my feelings on that.

Thanks for the award! :)

An Arkie's Musings

Jan said...

My heart feels so sad that you have to feel this way. I just know you had to do what was best for your family. You did a good job Scrappy. Hugs.

Keli said...

You did what you felt was best for your family and it's ok. I will pray that you find peace with your decision. Hugs - Keli

Marchelle said...

Thank you for posting this. I've been wondering how that situation was going. Even though it was a hard decision, I respect you for doing it and knowing it was the right one, despite how hard it was. I agree with Adventure Girl - you can still be a positive force in his life! I no absolutely nothing about psychology, but my guess would be his lack of interest in you is a coping mechanism. I would tend to think he has a lot of feelings bottled up and doesn't want to show them for fear of being 'rejected' again. I don't mean that the way it sounds - I know you didn't reject him, but you know what I mean. I've told you before on this subject, I truly respect and admire you for this whole situation. I can only imagine how much more it impacts you being that you were adopted as well.

OK, I'm starting to ramble...LOL but anyway, just always be warm and friendly to him. I'm sure it will be appreciated whether he shows it or not!

Wendy said...

(((Scrappy)))...sometimes for whatever reason things don't always work out the way we plan. What you did by fostering a child, came from your heart! So don't beat yourself up for that...you are good person with a huge heart!

I too agree with Adventure girl...=)

BTW..my hubby was a foster kid...and even though it didn't work out in a lot of the homes, he still appreciated all of his foster parents for everything they did for him! I hear him say sometimes..."wish I would have told them Thank You more often!" So even though you don't feel the love right now, it will always be there.

McEwens said...

Scrappy, I dont think ANYone here is about to judge you. YOU are amazing to BE a foster parent! Dont feel guilty, you did what you felt was best. That was the RIGHT choice for you and your family. No one else lives with you nor knows what was the best for you, only YOU can make that choice!

(((HUGS)))))

binders said...

You have to make the best call for your family- hard as it is. I won't judge you for it. My own cousin had to make the same call. They kept the 2 girls but couldn't keep the oldest boy because of the severity of his issues and how the girls were being victimized by it.

It is still hard for her some time, many years later, but she had to do what was best for ALL the kids and that meant that they couldn't have their brother with them. So hard.

You blessed his life for how ever long he was with you. You did more than most people ever would. I'm sorry that you had to make such a difficult decision. It sounds like he's found a good situation though so that's a good thing.

this is it said...

Validate yourself. Give credit where credit is due. Your heart is made of gold.

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

I missed the posts about this previously.
I am sorry for the pain in your heart. It is a hard thing to do and deal with.
I had a foster son for 5.5 years and when he turned 18 he left. That just happened a few months ago. It's been sad at times and I've been glad at times.
I hope you realize you did the best you could do and that you gave him the best you could give him while you had him.
Please don't beat yourself up about it.
(((((((hugs))))))

Mechelle said...

You were an important bridge for him. You were there when he needed you and then you placed him where he needed to go.

It was the right choice for your family. I am sorry you are sad. But time will show you what you did was the best thing for him. m

Michelle said...

You had to do what your heart was telling you. It doesn't matter what is best for everyone else.. What matters is what is best for your family.

Mother Goose said...

I know it hurts you and hurts you to see your children hurt but ultimately he has to do what makes him feel best too. It could be a coping mechanism but sometimes people just don't click. I hope he is doing well with his new foster family. It's good that he is still in contact with your nephew and perhaps it is just too soon and early to WANT to go back to the home that he left. That would be hard. I think. Especially, if he was struggling with should I stay or go. It would be hard to visit a home you once lived in, especially if things didn't go so smoothly.