I am doing Project Life 365...you can check out my photos at www.scrappygirlsdailylife.blogspot.com!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Welcome home...Let the stress resume!

When we got home from NYC we stopped and checked our mailbox. Inside was a letter from the foster parent agency that said Monday morning (It was already Saturday evening) we would need to attend a meeting and have our decision about adopting Foster Son. Argh. My stress level went from 0 to 60 in 5.2! I had been able to let go of this while on vacation. Now here it is punching me in the nose!

We have had him for 1 year and 8 months. He is an interesting little guy. He will do any chore I ask of him. He washes his hands before eating EVERY time. He plays well with the babies. He keeps his room clean. He is a straight A student. He is a pretty good kid compared to most foster children situations.

However, he lies "if his lips are moving." He chooses to pee the bed. He has proven this several times. He wants good things to happen to him "magically" without doing any work. You can not use a reward system for anything because it just isn't worth it to him. If punished (grounding or an extra yucky chore) he goes into survival mode and "survives" what you give him. This means it doesn't work because he is "not there" for the whole thing. He also "survives" therapy so he comes home and does his "homework" for the first day and then forgets it for the rest. He uses affection and love for manipulation. I feel like a detective trying to figure out the truth. He will not tell you if he likes or dislikes something. Example: He ate barbecue sandwiches twice a month for 8 months and he hates them. I had to figure it out for myself. He is smart enough to figure out "what I want to hear" most of the time.

The main issue for us was that Manga Dork wants him to leave. She cries if we talk about adopting him. We have been working on the brother/sister relationship in therapy but it isn't working at all. Manga Dork is the one who wanted a brother. She gave up her room (she shares with 2 babies) for him to come to our home. It was her idea!

Dr. Hubby would have been fine with the adoption.

Me?!....I was so torn. I have not bonded with him. He does not feel like mine. After so much time you would think he would feel like part of the family. It just feels like something is missing. He stresses me out completely. I am grouchy and constantly having to deal with the "little" things he does. He resents his mom and older sister and I believe he resents me and Manga Dork because of this. It is going to tear him apart to leave here. He says he wants to stay. I think he wants to stay because it is easier than moving to another family. We are so mismatched. I just think that if it was meant to be then I wouldn't be torn and I would fight to adopt him...

I went to the meeting that Monday and told them we did not want to adopt him. Now I have to go through what is probably the hardest thing I have ever been through. Now I just want what is best for Foster Son. I am pushing for a family that is a better fit. He wants no older sister, a brother about his age, younger sibling is ok. He is afraid of most animals (the farm freaked him out!). We are going to tell him in therapy on August 5th and then slowly transfer him to what is hopefully a pre-adoptive placement.

Thank you for listening to this long post. I needed to get some of this out.


Jan said...

Scrappy- as hard as that was and is (because I can only imagine), you have to do what is right for you and your family. No if's about it. We can't save the world, but we can save what we already have. I hope that made sense it just sort of popped out.

I admire you for the effort you put into it. A trying effort. You gave it your best. Don't let this get you down and feel like you are failing him. You are trying to better him by hopefully getting him onto where he needs to be.

Take care okay.

Marilyn said...

That would be a hard decision to make. This is why I am still hesitant to get into foster care, so many times the kids are so messed up. Don't stress it, you need to do what's right for your family first.

As for your question, ATCs are 2.5x3.5, the size of a baseball card.

The White House said...

Hope that you are able to make a decision that leaves you with peace! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

COMcewens said...

Scrappy, (I wrote a comment and it disappeared!) So I will try again.

I feel for you all, this has to be so very hard. I hope the best for the foster son, I hope he gets a family with no older sister, if that helps him adjust.

You did a good job with him, taught him, he will be a better person for the time spent there.

da Bergs said...

Bless your heart, how hard this must be! Like Jan said... you HAVE to do what is right for YOUR family! There is a saying that my mom used to say to me and have me repeat... "I can do hard things." Now, say it with me... I will be thinking of you! Let us know how it goes!

Mechelle said...

I have taken in two children like this. I understand at such a deep level how difficult it can be.

After 8 years, I can say that my daughter is the most wonderful person. She is everything I ever hoped she would grow into. It has been a long time and a lot of work, but she is so worth every minute.

May peace be with you. m

whirligigdaisy said...

Wow, how difficult. Best of luck telling him. Sometimes decisions are difficult.

All Pink girl said...

Bless you ,you have to do whats in your heart ,and he will realise that and respect you for your decision ,takecare Dawnxxx